You Are What You Love, Not What Loves You

"It was mine, that love.  I owned it."  This scene from the movie, Adaptation is one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. I think about this scene a lot.  I think about it when I am in a position of unrequited love, attention, affection.  I think about it even when the love I have for another person is reciprocated, because it's such a pure, beautiful place to live from and that is the place I want to exist in.  Sometimes it's hard because being that vulnerable can be scary, but what is my other choice?  My other choice is to live my life inauthentically and act like I don't care when I really do.  My other choice is to build a wall around my heart and my mind so that no one can hurt me, or embarrass me or reject me.  Essentially, my other choices all involve me forcing myself in some way to not feel whatever I'm really feeling for the sole purpose of PROTECTION and PRESERVATION OF SELF; however, what "self" is actually being protected and preserved if I must at the same time disown and deny a part of myself???  This is lunacy.  

I've intellectualized a lot in my life, relying on my intelligence as a measure of control, but that control is an illusion.  I don't need that illusion any longer because I know my gooey, beating, impassioned, primal, wide-open heart will never steer me wrong.  It's mine and it's pure and real even if no one else agrees or reciprocates.